general · mine · prose

Insecurities

I don’t know exactly what has been going on with me these past days (or weeks, by now). I’ve been feeling extremely stressed, but not in the usual way when my stress-related facial muscle tension starts acting up, but in a whole new way. I’m nervous all the time; weak, shaky, twitchy, anxious… Worst thing is that when I’m nervous I get aggressive (well, look at that, another part of me more like a dog than human), and this is definitely a good thing if you start threatening to hit your friend with an umbrella in the middle of the campus or start throwing your notebooks around when your boyfriend makes a joke.
I’m so happy this is the last week before the holiday break, I feel like I really deserve it. The problem is that I’m stuck with two essays due Friday, and three tests on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, and no way to go around it. Yippee.

On a happier note, and more literature-related, I managed to write some more of that story I mentioned in a previous post; the one that is supposedly not me at all. In a way it is, in a way it’s not. I will reveal here that it is about vampires (very much not me, even though the supernatural is somehow often present in my stories and stuff), and that I’ve manage to (at least in my personal opinion) include a lot more description and background info than I usually do.
I’m trying not to make the story very long, so that there would be a possibility of me actually finishing it. But we’ll see. Usually that doesn’t work out at all.
I’m losing interest in it, too. Although, I am still able of more or less recovering it when I read the last paragraphs and grab a pen, but since I have no time this week, and can only grab that damn pen on Saturday, next time… We’ll see.

So far I’ve only written the story on a notebook – the one I’ve been throwing around, as mentioned above – and I have no actual intention of writing it on the computer unless I finish it. Usually changing from one to the other makes me lose interest. I’ve also not really thought it through, only in my head, with some potential plot twists, that I might not even include. If I over think the stories, I will lose interest; no exceptions.
However, I could give a tiny little sneak-peek here to get an idea of it. So feel privileged, and congratulate me for overcoming one more insecurity.

Here’s how it begins:

Things had been rough for a good while before all this happened. I was in a bad place in my life; my mind wasn’t in a happy place at all. I had tried everything to save my relationship; tried everything to keep my job, but there I was; loveless and lonely, thrown out of all social contracts I have built along the last couple of years. My boss, a close friend of my husband, told me he couldn’t keep me anymore, there would be a conflict of interest of some sort. He found someone to replace me relatively fast. It took me some months to find another job.

Here’s the first thing I actually wrote, and which found a place in a later part of the story:

I felt my blood pulsing, faster and faster, in my veins; and then slowly gargling out of the sharp small holes on my neck. His lips felt like ice on my sensitive skin, and had me paralyzed. I loved it; every part of it. I had come here for the pain, exactly. I knew that. But I hid it. He didn’t know it, I think. How could he? And yet, his teeth sank deeper into me, harder, sucking out what kept me alive.

I’d like to point out that the punctuation marks are how they are because of reasons. I will probably change them and the sentence structure or word choices in a later phase, if the story is finished. If not, here you have these little bits and pieces to give you a hint of what it would’ve been.

 

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4 thoughts on “Insecurities

  1. I’d say that getting aggressive as a consequence of being nervous is pretty normal. Nervous state -> lack of patience -> aggressiveness. Nevertheless, I hope you don’t feel too bad about it. On a totally unrelated topic, I wish I had known before that you were this good at writing (maybe deep down I knew, ’cause you are such a good student…oh, well). Perhaps I am the least perceptive person in relation to poetry (I have no doubt about it) or I am just stupid, but I get the feeling your poems have a great deal of pain. Anyway, I must say I like the way you write.

    1. First of all, thank you, I really appreciate your words. I don’t like to advertise my writing very much, mostly cos I don’t feel very confident about it, usually. But I thought now and then putting something on facebook wouldn’t hurt. (And no worries, mostly my poems aren’t about anything personal, the pain is just something I can’t write without…)
      Also, I’ve never seen anyone act as I do when I get nervous, so I really don’t know how normal it is. 🙂

      1. People tend to act in “weird” ways when they’re nervous. It shouldn’t really matter to you if you’ve never seen anyone act like that, as everyone acts in their own way. You have every reason to feel confident about your writing, because it really is very good ( because my opinion does count a lot to editors and publishers xD ). Just don’t waste too much time thinking if you act or not like other people in a particular situation. And please, keep writing the way you do. Cheers, and enjoy our small break from University. Happy Holidays 🙂

      2. I’m not really all that concerned with what other people think or do. The problem was that it was starting to affect my life, and I was afraid I might actually end up hurting someone if they really pushed it. But it’s gone now, mostly! 🙂
        And thank you again for the nice word, and have a nice Christmas you too! 🙂

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