general · me

On Friends and Loneliness

I know that I have been rather stressed lately, and, consequently, perhaps a bit difficult to deal with. I also know that this state, however, is not very far from my usual mood and general attitude towards people. I am not a genuinely happy person. Odd, quirky, unique, different. That I am. Moody, unpleasant, naggy, generally upsetting. Yes, quite often. Still, every now and then I have come across someone who more or less understands me and all my randomness and weirdness and all that, and I’ve always had at least one good friend around me.

The problem here is that in addition to these rare jewels, I’ve been surrounded by others, who I could just as well do without. I don’t mean all those people who ignore you, like you never even entered the room. No, these are easy to deal with: they don’t exist to me either.
Now, one of the worst things anyone could ever do, to me, is to be a ‘halfway buddy’. Either you are my friend or you’re not. You don’t get to talk to me, be happy with me, enjoy my company when it suits you. And then, when someone else – literally anyone else – comes by, you act like I was never there. I cease to exist to you. And when they’re gone, you return to me like nothing ever happened.
I cannot tolerate that. It’s truly one of the most painful things people can do to me, and I’ve had it done to me so many times by now it’s basically 90% of my interaction with people.

And then people wonder why I don’t talk.
Why I’m being anti-social.
Why I’d rather stand alone on the other side of the room than two metres away from people I actually would like to talk to and whose company I do enjoy, but who give me the full ignore and with whom I feel even more lonely than if I was indeed alone.

I’d just rather not feel totally useless, unimportant, temporary. Something so replaceable, so… So worthless, that it can be pushed aside and picked up whenever you happen to feel like it. And be expected to be happy you did.


6 thoughts on “On Friends and Loneliness

  1. At least you are expressing your feelings very clearly now 🙂 but I don´t know how to feel about this… Mainly because I am probably one of the people that does not exist apart from the blogshpere :S I am terribly shy and sensitive, and I know that is not the way people perceive me at all, because I am often in the middle of the crowd laughing. But I often wish to be left alone, shallow friends are around me all the time and I can´t be myself because people don´t enjoy me, they enjoy the fact that I am a sucker and I am always pleasant… My need to please everyone is bigger than my pride… one day maybe I can be stronger….

    1. I am very shy and sensitive, too, even though I might seem more like loud, weird and proud… People’s opinions get to me, even if I try to forget about them. Maybe it gets easier after school, with new people around and all… Who knows.
      And trust me, you were not on my mind when I was thinking about those who don’t exist to me. Even if it’s not direct interaction, it’s still interaction and I appreciate it. 🙂

      1. I am so bad at interacting with people :S really… I am like you I get so tense about what people might think or say about me, like she is a total weirdoo or mind-numbly stupid…. And we shouldn´t but it really affects me… I don´t think you´re proud at all, not in a bad way I mean, you´re just more reserved, I am really loud lol… I appreciate this interaction too, I appreciate most interactions online than any other I have daily at shool, true story I am too shy to be myself or anything, here I am me. It takes me a long time to be me in real life lol… I do hope it gets better sometime along the way :S it would be nice 🙂

  2. My wife deals with this often. Unfortunately there are shallow people everywhere. You know who your real friends are and you value them. Clearly you know who the fake friends are as well. That’s the best you can do. I don’t know that it gets better, but you get stronger.

    1. Thank you for the comment. I know the best thing you can do is just to forget, ignore, and turn away, but sometimes it gets harder, especially if you really care about those who are fake to you.

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