I know that I have been rather stressed lately, and, consequently, perhaps a bit difficult to deal with. I also know that this state, however, is not very far from my usual mood and general attitude towards people. I am not a genuinely happy person. Odd, quirky, unique, different. That I am. Moody, unpleasant, naggy, generally upsetting. Yes, quite often. Still, every now and then I have come across someone who more or less understands me and all my randomness and weirdness and all that, and I’ve always had at least one good friend around me.
The problem here is that in addition to these rare jewels, I’ve been surrounded by others, who I could just as well do without. I don’t mean all those people who ignore you, like you never even entered the room. No, these are easy to deal with: they don’t exist to me either.
Now, one of the worst things anyone could ever do, to me, is to be a ‘halfway buddy’. Either you are my friend or you’re not. You don’t get to talk to me, be happy with me, enjoy my company when it suits you. And then, when someone else – literally anyone else – comes by, you act like I was never there. I cease to exist to you. And when they’re gone, you return to me like nothing ever happened.
I cannot tolerate that. It’s truly one of the most painful things people can do to me, and I’ve had it done to me so many times by now it’s basically 90% of my interaction with people.
And then people wonder why I don’t talk.
Why I’m being anti-social.
Why I’d rather stand alone on the other side of the room than two metres away from people I actually would like to talk to and whose company I do enjoy, but who give me the full ignore and with whom I feel even more lonely than if I was indeed alone.
I’d just rather not feel totally useless, unimportant, temporary. Something so replaceable, so… So worthless, that it can be pushed aside and picked up whenever you happen to feel like it. And be expected to be happy you did.